Understandably, with the passing of my mother-in-law, my wife Stacy has undergone a life altering experience. And as much as I might try to comfort her and tell her I understand, the reality is… I don’t. It is more honest to say that I am trying (to understand).
On the other hand, my mother is quite elderly, 89 to be exact and though she has lived a full life and I might think I will be able to accept her passing when it is time, until it happens I really won’t know. What I have come to realize however, from witnessing my wife’s experience and speaking with others, is that losing a mother seems to be a greater loss than when a father dies.
I can’t speak for everyone but while I love and have a great appreciation for my father, I would have to say that the bond between my mother and I is stronger. In part it is because our personalities are so much more alike, but somewhere in the recesses of my brain I feel it goes deeper than that.
A father loves and provides for his children, as I have done and I would have to say without hesitation that I would lay my life down for my children.
But a mother will sacrifice everything, including herself, every day of her life if necessary, for her child. After all her child is flesh from her flesh.
Recently this occurred to me as I was making rounds in the ICU.
When Jesus saw his mother, and the disciple whom he loved
standing near, he said to his mother, “Woman behold your son!”
John 19:26
Bobby Waters is a 24-year-old ‘boy’ who had been complaining of a headache after having sustained what he thought was only a minor head injury. He then began having some difficulty speaking, but because he did not have insurance he avoided going to see a doctor. However when he became lethargic and his girlfriend found him lying on the floor of his apartment, she called 911.
Bobby was a tall, well-built, good-looking boy who had an equally good-looking girlfriend. Unfortunately, during his hospitalization a lot of that would change, all except one thing.
On arrival to the hospital, a CT scan was done which showed that Bobby had a large hemorrhage deep within his brain on the right side. The size and location couldn’t have been worse for this young, previous healthy boy. It extended into the top part of his brainstem resulting in paralysis of the left side of his body.
And there was nothing that could be done surgically to safely remove the hemorrhage and reverse the damage that had occurred.
The hemorrhage also blocked off the normal flow of cerebrospinal fluid within the brain causing it to back up and resulted in an elevation of the pressure within his brain to critical levels and as a result, Bobby was in a coma.
The neurosurgeon on call emergently performed a ventriculostomy, which is basically drilling a small hole in Bobby’s skull and passing a thin, soft catheter through the brain into the fluid filled ventricles within the brain to drain off the cerebrospinal fluid and thus relieving the elevated pressure.
Unfortunately this only prevented other problems from developing, because Bobby still remained paralyzed and in a coma, and on the ventilator.
Over the next several weeks, Bobby would develop a collapsed lung, pneumonia, an infection in his blood stream and a suspected infection in his brain. And though he survived it all he remained dependent upon the ventilator to breathe for him. And while his brain condition improved to the point where he would open his eyes, if you were to look at him you would hardly consider him ‘awake and responsive’.
Ultimately the CT scan revealed that the hemorrhage resolved although whether Bobby would recover was uncertain at best. The catheter which stuck out from the top of his head that drained into a bag on the side of his bed was removed. In its place was an internalized shunt with a valve that would regulate the pressure within Bobby’s brain so that it would be normal.
He also became less dependent on the ventilator but nonetheless the tube coming from his mouth was converted to a tracheostomy coming from the front of his neck.
Through it all, Bobby became a shell of the vibrant young man he was going from almost 170 to 115 lbs.
One day after about 4 weeks into his hospitalization, as I happened to walk by his room in the ICU I looked on to see a solitary person sitting by his bedside, as she had from morning till night each and every day since his admission a month ago…his mother.
Gone was his brother. Gone were the friends. Gone was his father who as near as I could tell only came to town briefly mid-way through Bobby’s stay in the hospital. Now, she was the only person there, as if keeping a vigil awaiting her baby boy’s first words.
He still has not spoken though he has shown some movement on his paralyzed side. He does know when his mother comes into the room and he tracks her with his eyes as she moves from the door to her usual chair by his bedside.
To me, this epitomizes the devotion and complete self sacrifice of a mother, which as I think about it mirrors the depth of love that Jesus has for each and every one of us.
So, as a child when you lose this person, your mother, there can be no loss that equals the pain that you must feel. I suppose the only consolation is to know that one day you will once again be reunited with her, although the pain persists nonetheless, taking time to lessen. Of course, we still have the ever present person of Jesus Christ who is always there to console us.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the
world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled,
neither let them be afraid.
John 14:27
You are correct; a mom's death changes everything and that doesn't mean a father is less important, just different.
Posted by: Pat | 10/04/2011 at 09:59 AM